Chat up Lines

Jokes

A Good Selection of Funny Jokes

Here are a selection of some of my favourite jokes. Please feel free to add your own joke and make this site one worth revisiting.

What did the mouse say after he had a "Viagra" Where's the pussy now then!!
Why do traffic wardens have yellow strips on their hats? So nobody parks on their heads!
Two blondes walk into a building........... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it!
I went to buy some camouriage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any!
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cout your arms off"
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle!
English, Irish and Scotsman having dinner with there wife's. English man says to his wife "can you pass me the sugar please sugar" so she passers him the suger. Scotchman says to his wife "can you pass me the hunny please hunny" so she passers him the hunny. The Irish man says to his wife "can you pass me the milk you cow"
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds!!
What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, you let it finish.
The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

Lines added on Sunday 25 September, 2005.

Your Lines

– Sigue Sigue, 03/03/2011
yo mamas so hairy the only language she speaks is wookie

– Grizzl, 05/12/2010
::::There are three men on a jet to france when the jet EXPLODES and they each fall out one at a time. The first man falls out and shouts GOLD and lands in a pot of gold. The second man falls out and shouts SILVER and lands in a pot of silver. The third man falls out and shouts WEE and lands in a pot of wee. HHHHHHEEEEEEHHHHHHHEEEEEEE

– samuel araldi, 08/08/2010
hey, a dog is like AIDS... its not just for christmass, its for life xD

– Airen stevens, 14/06/2010
your so fat you broke a branch in your family tree that is the best joke ever

– just for fun, 18/05/2010
a dad and a little girl are in the garden when the little girl asks what is that mummy long legs doing to that daddy longlegs then the dad replies sweetie there are no mummy long legs only daddy longlegs the dad was feeling proud of his daughter for having such an inquisitive mind until the little girl stamps on em both saying well have none of tht gay shit in our garden

– kathleen marie smith, 28/04/2010
what do you call a black man in a red van??? maltesers

– William, 08/04/2010
Bloke to Mate \"I think there is a bit of Italian in her\" Mate replies \"I wish there was a bit of me in her!\"

– hoppadommalus, 21/02/2010
what did the pakistani say to the jamaican? jah. what did the jamaican say to the pakistani? f**k off you pakii!

– Janine, 17/02/2010
Whats brown and sticky....? A stick. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn\'t hold the pillow down long enough. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

– ANONYMOUS ANONYMOUS, 29/01/2010
WHAT DO U CALL A MAN WITH A SPADE ON HIS HED?...... DUG HAHA WOT DO YA CALL A MAN WITHOUT A SPADE ON HIS HED?....... DUGLESS HAHA WOT DO YA CALL AN EPILEPTIC MAN IN A BUSH?....... RUSTLE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

– zakyb, 20/12/2009
where can u find a no legged dog? where ever u left him

– james scott, 08/12/2009
if you see a girl u like, walk upto her and say " excuse me but i have lost my phone number, can i have urs instead" hahahaa

– nuri sabri, 18/11/2009
how do you get 50 jews on a bus throw 50p inside. how do you get them off tell them hitler is driving the bus.

– nuri sabri, 18/11/2009
why do jews have big noses. because the air is free.

– sofia, 26/10/2009
guy goes to the doctor and she´s a really hot lookin´Dr.... he´s sittin´ in the examining room when she tells him...¨sir , the first thing is you need to stop playing with yourself.¨ the guy looks up at her and he asks, ¨why¨? she says, ¨well, I can´t examine you while you´re doing that. HA.

– JJ, 21/09/2009
a man and a giraffe walked into a bar and got p***ed the giraffe falls on the floor and the man goes to walk out then the barman goes you cant leave that lyin there the man turns around and says its not a lion its a giraffe

– malcolm hammer, 13/09/2009
roses are reddish violets are bluish, if it wasn,t for jesus, we'd all be jewish.

– rod, 03/08/2009
man walks in drug store asks the man behind the counter do you have cotton balls the man behind counter replies do i look like a teddy bear

– Sandshoe, 25/07/2009
Who discovered you could get milk from cows? And what do you think they were doing at the time?

– blakey blake09, 02/07/2009
um.... wats michael jackson and a playstation got in common ???? children turn dem onn lolol !!

– Ramin You, 30/04/2009
There is a Mexican booming down the M4 doing 140mph, and then Police officer stops him, and says the max on this road is 70, so the Mexian man looks in the back of his van and says "oh no 3 of you have to get out"...

– Ramin You, 30/04/2009
a man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide, the librarian replies f**k off you wont bring it back

– Nikolai, 18/04/2009
Hey (name). Don't follow in my footsteps..(Why).. Cuz I tend to walk into walls.

– Donna, 07/03/2009
What did the banana say to the vibrator.? i dont know what your shaking at, your not getting eaten.!

– REDGiant, 26/02/2009
Saudi Arabia Just Band The Flintstones Because They Dont Understand The Humour! But In Abu Dhabi daydoo!

– sexii, 23/02/2009
my friend stayed staring at a orange juice box becuz it said concentrate

– david murray, 09/02/2009
your eyes are like spanners every time i look into them my nuts tighten I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes. 3 in 1 dudes!!!!

– david, 09/02/2009
there was an english, irish and a scottish man and there all arguing about what tv program they wanna watch so the english man wants to watch the racing, the irish man wants to watch some porn and the scottish man wants to watch a program about pregnancys so there flikin through the channels so fast and it ends up going and there off ooof ooof and the baby is born!!

– spadeee (LL), 13/01/2009
a boy lives with his nan and grandad and then one night the boy says to his nan , grandad said god blesses him, cos when he goes to the toilet god turns the light on for him, and when hes finished god turns it of again, nan:that stupid f**king bastard has been pissing in the fridge!!!

– FussyCub, 11/01/2009
Cum Ere, Listern Youll Love This One! How Do You Give A Lemon An Orgasm ? You Tickle Its Citrus!

– REDGiant, 14/11/2008
David Breckhams Just Brought Leyton Orient! Romeo Wanted The Indians to complete the set

– Seriously, 07/11/2008
Whos The Best People At The Hospital ? The ULTRA SOUND PEOPLE!

– REDGiant, 01/11/2008
Harry Hotspur or Harry Potter Tottenham Hogwarts the mans a wizard!

– General_Kannobi Original! Creative! Submissive!, 01/11/2008
A Skeleton walks in too a bar and says too the barman ill have a pint and a mop

– Seriously, 01/11/2008
Your Mums So Fat When She On The Beach Greenpeace Try To Roll Her Back In The Sea

– PublicMenace, 01/11/2008
What did the dyslexic say too the other dyslexic? Can you smell my name? The other one said i No i cant even smell my own name!

– REDGiant, 29/10/2008
Your Short For A Stormtrooper! Yeh And Your Fat For A Princess

– claire-belal sugdon, 28/10/2008
how many cows exist in bangladesh? one, his name is claire-belal sugdon hahahahahahaha hahaha haha ha hm yeh. OOHH LALA

– REDGiant, 26/10/2008
I Once Had A Box Off Toy Soldiers I Bit Of The Generals Head I Killed All The Sergeants and Corporals So I Play With My Privates Instead (Roger Moore + Cary Grant)

– REDGiant, 26/10/2008
I Wish Girls Where More Llike Potnoodles ! Freeze Dryed And Quick REALLY LMFAO!

– REDGiant, 26/10/2008
David Breckhams Just Brought tottenham hotspurs! Romeo Wanted A New Cowboy Outfit LMFAO

– james brown, 14/10/2008
your mums so fat that when she stepped on the scales it said one person at a time please

– sam, 09/09/2008
Women stowed away on a ship gets caught so they take her to see the captain "why are you on my ship ?"he asks she says "Im polish and want to go to America for a better life" He asks her how long shes been on his ship,she says3 weeks He asks"how have you survived for 3 weeks?" She says "every day one of your sailors brings me food and then at night he fucks me" Captain says "he fucks you alright this is the Isle of Wight ferry"

– james fallaize, 13/08/2008
your mums so fat shes on both sides of the family

– james fallaize, 13/08/2008
your mum is so fat she got more chins than a chinese phone book

– nathan, 05/08/2008
a guy does to a fancy dress party with only a jam jar on his c**k. a lady goes to him what are use suppoes to be? the guy replise, a fire man and told her how it worked " you smash the glass, pull the knob and i'll cum as fast as i can!!!!

– michael owen, 15/07/2008
q:what do u get if u cross michael jack son and arnold schwartzaneger?? a:michaelwasanigger no offence to anybody i am not racist person just found it amusing :)

– michael owen, 15/07/2008
q:what do you call a mushroom that likes to party?? a:a fun-gi:)

– Jt, 14/07/2008
3 dicks are talking to eachother, the first one says, " my masters great, he gives me a bath in the morning and puts talkonpoweder on me 2 make me all smooth". The 2nd dick says, " my masters even better, he gives me a showa at nyt and puts deoderant on me 2 make me smell nice." The 3rd dick says, "my masters horrible, he puts a plastic bag over my head, shoves me up a dark cave and makes me do press ups till im sick!"

– john coksukr, 09/07/2008
a boy walks in to his mums room and sees his dad havin it wid his mum .... the next day his dad walks in to the boys room and sees him havin it wid his nan he sais its not nice wen it ure mum!! lol

– james h, 05/07/2008
if u were a boogy... i wud pik u first

– Chloe, 05/07/2008
I brought i horse today, i called it "My Face" i dont care if it looses all the time or it's really slowi just want to hear the posh bastards at ascot screaming "Come on My Face!"

– Scouse man Conman, 25/06/2008
A man rings up the local swimming baths and says "is this the local swimming baths" the person on the phone replies "i dont know it depends where you are ringin from" hahah

– Andy Cowan, 25/06/2008
A man was caught throwing petrol over 15 paki's, the police man said what do you fink you are doin, the man replies i dont no about 15 to the gallon

– gemma gee, 16/06/2008
guy walks in to the shop and says to the girl behind the counter "can i get a kit kat chunky" girl walk off and hands him over a kit kat chunky "no" the man replys " i want a normal kit kat u fat cunt"

– cameron, 02/06/2008
What did the penis say to the condom? cover me i'm goin in

– Touche, 10/04/2008
Why Does Nobody Know How Please A Woman? Because Nobody Has A Dick Made Out Of Chocolate That Ejaculate Money

– graham glover, 08/04/2008
(Man) DO you want a Australian kiss? (woman) what's that! (Man) Or it is like a French kiss but down under!

– REDGiant KozmikString, 06/04/2008
Why Is The Grass All Ways Greener The Other Side Of The Fence? Coz All You Bastards Are My Side Of The Fence! Just Telling It Like It Is, If You Dont Like It Turn It Off!

– jay halewood, 03/04/2008
what red and white .......... pink

– suzanne mee, 02/04/2008
jack and jill went up the hill so jack could lick jills fanny. jack got a shock when he saw a cock cause jills a bloody tranny x x x

– lisa sandle, 04/03/2008
knock knock whos there me me who your mum lol

– karbonbonbon, 27/02/2008
I Measure My Feet In Yards The Neighbors Get Confused

– jokes mississippi, 17/02/2008
i tried to send u sumthing sexy in the mail but the mailman told me to get my dumb azz out the box.

– REDGiant, 16/02/2008
Your So Ugly You,ll Make A Train Take A Dirt Road

– GunsDontkillPeopleChuckNorrisDoes, 16/02/2008
When Chuck Norris Falls In Water He Does,nt Get Wet The Water Gets Chuck Norrised

– ButterSideUp, 16/02/2008
Wots Blue And Gives You A Hard on? Smurfette! hahahahahaha

– ButterSideUp, 16/02/2008
Wots Got 2 Thumbs And Does,nt Give A Crap (ME!!!!!!!!!!)LMFAO

– REDGiant, 15/02/2008
How Many Amoebas Does It Take Too Change A Light Bulb?. One. No Wait Two ? No Four? No Eight? Ahhhhhh I Dont Know!!!!!!!!????????

– FATBLOKE, 15/02/2008
Your mums so fat shes got more chins than china town

– DANNY, 14/02/2008
how do u make love to a fat women? wank in ur hand and throw it at her.

– Egroeg, 09/02/2008
your moms so fat when she went to the cinema she sat next to everybody!

– arris harris, 03/02/2008
how do u stop a dog humping ur leg? ................................ pick it up and suck its cock!! yuk i no but i cudnt stop laffin

– Jenny Butterworth, 01/02/2008
wats red and smells like blue paint? red paint, lol its not even funny!! bt thats y it is funny!! haha

– EarthBoundSimpleThing, 26/01/2008
Why Do Most Terrorist Have Brown Eyes? Coz There So Full Of Shite

– EarthBoundSimpleThing, 26/01/2008
Seeing As Theirs Frogs Why Do We Heed Toads?

– REDGiant, 26/01/2008
When Arnold Schwarzenegger said ill be back he was going to ask chuck Norris for help

– louisa dobson, 23/01/2008
jim and edna are mental patients one day jim jumps in the pool & stays at the bottom edna dives in and saves him the manager calls edna into his office & says ive got some good news and some bad news the good news is were realsing you as youre obviously sane saving anothers life the bad news is jim hanged him self in the bathroom no edna said thats were i put him to dry!!!!

– PowersThatBe, 23/01/2008
If your Chopping Carrots With The Grim Reaper. Are You Diceing With Death?

– REDGiant, 22/01/2008
WOTS WHITE AND IF IT FELL OUT OF THE SKY WOULD KILL U. Fridge. really bad that one

– REDGiant, 22/01/2008
wots green and brown got 6 leg and if it feel out of the sky would realy kill u. snooker table. poor one that? boom boom

– REDGiant, 22/01/2008
SO MUCH RAIN IN LONDON I THINK I JUST HEARD A JAPANISE WHALER

– REDGiant, 22/01/2008
seeing as your full of shit you should get a job on the help desk

– REDGiant, 22/01/2008
some where a village is missing its idiot

– REDGiant, 22/01/2008
Its all in the timeing Nop Thats A Chat Up Line?

– REDGiant, 22/01/2008
Cum ere Theres More its the way you tell um

– REDGiant, 19/01/2008
not really a joke more a Put down IF BRAINS WERE PETROL U WOULD,NT HAVE ENUFF 2 DRIVE AN ANTS GOKART AROUND INSIDE A BOTTLE TOP

– REDGiant, 19/01/2008
You Wont Beleave This But just gave my cat LSD Guess Wot Happend? He Went to Glastonbury and sold it

– REDGiant, 19/01/2008
THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR A FRENCH MEN SAY (1) IT LOOK HOPELESS BUT WE CARRY ON FIGHTING ANYWAY (2) AND WE JUST THROW THAT PART OF THE ANIMAL AWAY

– chris summers, 18/01/2008
WHAT DO U CALL A PROSTITUTE WIV NO LEGS OR ARMS CASH ND CARRY LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– badboy chazzzzzzz, 14/01/2008
i dont drink i dont smoke and i dont swear o s**t i droped my fag in my larger

– Kay, 11/01/2008
kiss me ,hug me, just like you love me, feel me, caress me, if you wanna undress me, touch me, tease me if you wanna please me, but lick me, and suck me if you wanna fuck me

– Sarah Jones, 02/01/2008
just bought a liverpool advent callender, fuckin typicall all the windows are borded up and some bastard nicked all the chocolates.

– gazbason, 30/12/2007
what goes zzub zzub. A BEE FLYING BACKWARDS LMFAO

– bethan && lucy -xx, 28/12/2007
there was a blond and a brunette waching the 5 o'clock news, and there was a man on there threatening to jump of a tower block. The brunette says to the blond i bet £100 that the man jumps off.blond replies i bet you £100 he dont. they carry in watching the tele when finally the man jumps off. the blond gives the brunette £100 the brunette says i carnt takr your money the blond says why ? the brunette says well i watched the 12 o'clock news and i knew that he jumped off. The blond replies so did i but i didnt think he would jump again . !!!!!! HAAAAA

– number 1 stags fan, 17/12/2007
the best joke in da world is CHESTERFIELD FOOTBALL CLUB

– billy sharp, 12/12/2007
ill tell ya a good joke Sheffield United !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– sxc.. Gina! haha!, 05/12/2007
Ri a scotsman..an englishman.. n an IRISH man.. (gewonn d irish haha) .. got a visit 4m d devil .. n d devil spectin sumtn funny t happen brings a slide n e sez 'ri il let each of yis go down d slide once n wen ur goin down it ye hav t shout wat ya want t land in.. n den ye can keep it'..so d irishman bein smart haha goes down d slide n shouts GOLD! n e lands in a pota gold... d englishman shouts SILVER! .. n lands ina pot a silvere .. n d scotsman dat oviusly wasn listenin goes down d slide n shouts WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

– funny master, 22/11/2007
your mums so thick she took a doughnut back to the shop coz it had a hole in it

– sindy, 21/11/2007
WHAT DO YOU CALL A LESBIAN DINOSAUR ? ANS: SUCKALOTAPUS

– derek barry, 19/11/2007
what is the saddest thing in the world answer putting a bomb under a wheelchair and telling them to run

– jimmy, 15/11/2007
why are blondes caskets shaped like a Y ?............ Because every time you lay them down there legs spread!

– Jimmy, 15/11/2007
one day, little johnny was walking around with a beat-up, runover bike. He walked by this whore house and went to the counter and said, "I want to fuck that big black ugly bitch in the back with a clap. And the woman at the desk goes why? he said because when i do the black bitch i"ll have the clap, and when i go home i'll do the babysitter and she will have the clap then dad will do her, and mom will do dad then the milkman and he'll have the clap and he is the sob who ran over my bike in the first place!

– sean \"the tool\" mad1, 13/11/2007
A JAMAICAN WOMEN GOES IN TO A PUB A SAYS "ANY ONE CAN TELL ME WHO THESE FOOTBALLERS ARE TATTOOD ON THE IN SIDE OF MY LEGS CAN FUCK ME ALL NIGHT" SO THIS LITTLE BLOKE WALKS UP TAKES A LOOK AND SAYS TO BE HONEST I HAVENT A CLUE BUT THE ON IN THE MIDDLE WITH THE BIG RED LIPS AND BUSHY HAIR L;OOKS LIKE SEAN WRIGHT PHILLIPS

– ur mum got pumped, 07/11/2007
little jonny walks into his parents room and sees them shaggin his dad just laughs ans sez get out so bout 10minutes later his dad hears funny noises coming from jonnys room he goes through and c's jonnny shaggin his granny and jonny turns round and sez its nt so funny when its ur mum aghh

– robet hardbert, 07/11/2007
why did the hedge hog x the road -to get the mars bar du get it- neither did he.

– kane greenhalgh, 05/11/2007
your mommas so dumb when she went to the airport she took her bus pass instead

– xxCLARExx, 25/10/2007
Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side.

– Porto FC., 23/10/2007
What do you call a pakistani lesbian? Mingeata

– Kal Hugill, 16/10/2007
a man walks into the docotors and says doctor i cant say my t's my h's and my f's doctor says cant sar fairer then that then :P wehhheeyy

– Jessica Jones !, 16/10/2007
wats the defintion of real bad bad pain ?? havin a big fat wide tree trunk shoved up ur fanny holee ! =]

– albert, 10/10/2007
chelsea have brought out a new aftershave its a top seller its called off hugo boss

– Dude, 02/10/2007
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association

– Andyy M, 01/10/2007
A man with a very small head walks into a bar one night,orders a pint on lager..the bar man gives him the pint and stares at him...the man says "its the small head isnt it? "how did that happen?" says the barman. The man explains " i was walking through the woods one day...and i saw this beautiful woman..she told me she was a jeanie...i she will grant me 3 wishes...so i said my 1st wish is that we were both naked...just like that they were both naked....2nd wish i wish i had the best sex ive ever had with u for 4 whole hours...4 hours later after the best sex i ever had...lying down next to me..she askes me and what is ur 3rd wish? to which i reply..any chance of a little head?

– Lauren, 26/09/2007
why did the girl fall off the swing ? ... because she had no arms hahaha

– Gemma-ann Burns, 26/09/2007
what is worse than letting micheal jackson look after your kids ... letting the mcanns take them on holiday ... hahahahahahaha

– Robyn Jones, 22/09/2007
Theres a polar bear and he goes upto his mum who is ironing and says "Hey mum are u sure i'm a polar bear nt a grizzley bear or anything" She Replys "No now go away annopy ur father hes over there fishing" So thepolar bear strutsover to his dad ans day "Yo daddy are you absoulutely sure im a polar bear nt a brown bear or a grizzley bear" The dad slightly confused reply "course u are son through and through whats making you ask this ?" "Bcz dad am fucking frozen !"

– nick aussie, 20/09/2007
what have a pizza delivery boy and a ginacoljest have in comen; they can both smell it but can't eat it

– franco sarraino cheech, 17/09/2007
ciao bella sono in Canada e io di volio parlare e scuza io non scrive troppo bene in talian sono canadese

– stoke stoke, 16/09/2007
N-40 anydays STOKE CITY FC BERRY HILL............

– Holly, 09/09/2007
What's the difference between a wife and a dog? The dog is still happy to see yuu after a year!

– Joe Stars, 06/09/2007
Theres an Englishmen a Scotsmen and a Irishmen there all stuck in the woods and need food so one day the Englishmen comes back with a dead rabbit and the Scotsmen ses how'd u do that and the Englishmen sed i found the tracks followed the tracks shot it and the next day the Scotsman comes back with a dead deer and the Irishmen ses how'd you do that and the Scotsmen sed i found the tracks followed the tracks shot it and the next day the Irish comes back with broken arms and kneck with cuts and bruises all over him and the other 2 sed what happen! and the Irishmen sed i found the tracks followed the tracks got hit by a train

– jok esrus, 19/08/2007
knock knock whos there NO ONE HAHAHAHA

– Jazboy, 17/08/2007
Wot's the definition of the word ' indefinetly ' ??? balls.....up against the arse !

– jimmy rocks, 08/08/2007
how do tell when a ballerina needs a bath when she does the splits and splits

– ross, 02/08/2007
what do you call a room full of lesbians? a liqour cabinet

– sky towers, 01/08/2007
i like maths. do you want to go to my room and add the bed subtract the bed divide the legs and multiply

– funiMAN, 31/07/2007
a little girl and boy are in a bath 2gether and the girl asks if she can touch the guys d**k and the boy says " no, you snaped yours off but i wanna keep mine"

– ben twig, 27/07/2007
i gt a bonar and its ready 4 u

– MICHELLE, 27/07/2007
WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THIER EYES WHEN THEY ARE HAVING SEX?? BECAUSE THEY CANNOT BARE TO SEE A MAN ENJOYING HIMSELF!! LOL

– jordan h, 22/07/2007
wat do u call a metal dog wiv no back legs.....Sparky!!!

– matthew davies, 20/07/2007
WEST BROM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– scott anderson, 19/07/2007
i blind man walks into a building...

– liamako, 19/07/2007
A blind man walks into a groccery store with his dog, picks it up by the tail an starts to swing it round. The manager says 'Can I help you sir?' The blind man replies 'No i'm o.k, just having a look around!'

– OffMeEddie, 18/07/2007
How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake!

– Ken, 13/07/2007
Jean Pierre the french fighter pilot takes a woman to the bedroom. He pours white wine over her neck and starts kissing it ... The woman - "jean pierre wat r u doing?" jean pierre - " i am jean pierre the fighter pilot and when i eat white meat i drink white wine" the woman - " O jean pierre go lower" He then pours red wine over her nipples and starts licking them... The woman - "jean pierre wat r u doing?" jean pierre - " i am jean pierre the fighter pilot and when i eat red meat i drink red wine" the woman - " Ooo jean pierre lower" He then pours brandy over her pubes and sets them alight.... The woman screams - JEAN PIERRE WAT R U DOING?" jean pierre - " I am jean pierre the fighter pilot and when i go down i go down in flames!"

– noel, 11/07/2007
what do gay horses eat? heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,,,, its a lady killer

– karen, 11/07/2007
A man and a woman are having marital difficulties so they go to see a marriage counsellor. The councello, in an attempt to find some common ground to start from askS: "Tell me anything you both have in common?" The husband spoke up and said: "well neither of us suck dicks!"

– Tom Holt, 08/07/2007
Eskimo on holiday i wales.... his car breaks down. Welsh man looks under the bonnet and says " Youve blown a seal" Eskimo says " So wot you shagg sheep "

– Ceri, 07/07/2007
Wat does fishes call otha fishes?.....Bob bob bob (mouth expressions)

– liamako, 27/06/2007
i was stood in the park the other day wondering why frizzbies get bigger and bigger as they get closer! Then it hit me.

– jake, 27/06/2007
a man walked into a sex shop and said 99 condoms plz the girl said f**k me and he said ill have one more then

– Ju, 25/06/2007
I went to the cashpoint the other day and an elderly lady asked me if I would check her balance for her ....... so I pushed her over!!

– bad ass, 22/06/2007
knock knk .... whoz der? ... a policce man.... a police man hu? a police man dats guna cum tew areest yew hes on dewtty

– bob, 15/06/2007
why did the cow fall over ...... because it got pushed

– ginger, 09/05/2007
there was an english man irish man and scottsman they were on a plane over Ireland and the irish man said "im gonna drop a brick out for my country. the plane went over scotland and the scottsman said "im gonna drop a park bench out for my country. the plane then flew over England and the english man said " im gonna drop a bomb out. The irish man went home nd his son was crying sayin he was minding his own buisness when a brick hit him on the head. The scottsman went home and his son was complainng about a park bench landing on him. The english man wen home and his son was bursting with laughter he said " wats a matter son ", and his son said " i farted and the house behind me blew up ".

– Mitchell flobert, 09/05/2007
Chuck Norris walked outside with an errection, there were no survivors.

– natalie lewsley, 06/05/2007
wat do u get when u pass arnold swatsaniger with micheal jackson?????micheal was a niger lol

– shannon mcpmee, 25/04/2007
English man Irish man and a Schotish man eating lunch together at work and they are disscussing there sons names the English man says "my sun was born on st gorges day so we called him gorge Schotish man says "our son was born on st peters day so we called him peter" and the irish man says "oh no no i dont beleive any of this waite until i tell my pancake about this"

– ryan giggs, 24/04/2007
STOKE CITY FOOTBALL CLUB

– antonio, 22/04/2007
why dont chickens wear pants? coz there peckers on there heds

– the kellytubbie, 17/04/2007
whats the defenition of agony.......... a one armed man hanging of a cliff with itchy balls

– im de king at jokes, 16/04/2007
why was the washins machine laughing......because it was taking the piss out of the knickers..

– poopants, 21/03/2007
why did the crab blush.................coz the sea weed

– michelle, 21/03/2007
how do you make a skooker table laugh.................Tickle its balls

– mooseeater, 21/03/2007
what do you call a chinese firefighter woman? singe me minge

– mooseeater, 21/03/2007
there was this blond who was fed up of all these bimbo jokes so she decides to change her hair colour to brunnette. she gets in her car and drives through a country lane where she comes across a farmer with his sheep. " hey mister if i can guess how many sheep there are can i take one home?" the farmer looks puzzled but agrees " thers 365 sheep there" The farmers amazed and offers the brunette a sheep " il have the fiesty one over there" The farmer goes " if i can guess your natural hair colour can i have it back?" "ok" she said " your hair is blonde" shes stunned "how did you know that? " " because you chose a dog you dumb bitch!

– mooseeater, 21/03/2007
what do you call a chinese car theif? tommy nickamoto

– mooseeater, 21/03/2007
whats the definition of pain?........ an ant going down a razor blade and using his balls as brakes

– *x*rach*x* lil-miss-random, 17/03/2007
two cows were in a field. the 1st one says moooooo, the second 1 says oit u cunt, i was gona say dat!

– adam fielding, 12/03/2007
wanna hear a joke? YOU!

– maggie bitch, 09/03/2007
what is the coldest side of the moon? the moon. what is the hottest side of the sun? page 3

– melissa gooley, 18/02/2007
how do you piss y misses off? ring her up!

– Everyones favorite Pimp, 11/02/2007
Whats the difference between a pitbull and a mother in law? the pitbull finally lets go

– cherri tree, 08/02/2007
a nun gets on a bus thats empty, exept for the driver. she says 'i'm going to die soon but i want to have sex before i do, but i must remain a virgin so it must be anal and i cant commit adultery so the man MUST be single. can you fulfil my wish?..... 'yes' replied the driver and fulfilled her wish. feeling guilty he says 'i'm sorry i lied, im married with 3 kids.' 'thats o.k' said the nun 'i lied too, my names kevin and i'm going to a fancy dress party'

– Daiisy && Hannah Are Cool, 02/02/2007
Keep earth clean its not Uranus =] My sister had a baby and she passed away so me and my wife look after it and the baby lost its legs and i still work at the factory just to put food on the table...and everytime i look in that little guys eyes i see so much love and it just makes it all worth while. True Story (must be said in an irish accent...like a shrimp)

– robyn knott, 31/01/2007
one day a blone was sitting in the front room trying to figure a puzzle out, next thing you know she is calling up her boyfriend asking him to come round and hel her, he said what is the jigsaw puzzle of? and she replied a tiger. he came round and she showd him the puzzle and he looked at it and said - put the frosties back in the ox love

– bobby, 29/01/2007
what's the diff between a pitball and a woman on p.m.t a. lipstick

– mark saxby, 28/01/2007
wat do u call an indian lesbian?? mingeater of course!!

– Eddie, 22/01/2007
Q: How did Aids get to Briton! A: It bummed a lift

– Emmeleh, 22/01/2007
Q: Why did Hitler die? A: Because of the gas bill i know its kinda harsh but still.. ita a joke

– adam, 20/01/2007
where did michael jackson pick his nose? from a catelogue!

– andy, 19/01/2007
wot did 1 blonde say 2 the other? nothin

– ryan, 12/01/2007
A man walks in to a backery with a fish under his arm, and says ''Excuse me, have you got any fish cakes''. And the girl behind the counter says, ''No sorry this is a backery''. The man replays ''Aww shame its his birthday''

– Cowelly, 09/01/2007
Two irishmen were walking across the road, one of them found a mirror, he looked into it and said ' i know that face, but i cant put a name to it' the other one grabbed it and said ' its me you idiot'

– Tim Esquire, 08/01/2007
A blonde and a brunette are walking in a park. The Brunette stops and looks at the dead bird on the ground "Awww what a shame a dead bird" The blonde one looks up in the sky saying "where?"

– ann-marie foote, 20/12/2006
a blonde women just missed the number 44 bus, so she decided to catch the number 22 bus twice...!!

– Leon Damasco, 15/12/2006
Why did the model stare at the orange juice? Because it said concentrate

– jamie, 06/11/2006
a man with no arms or legs wz layin on his towel on the beach, 3 women wlkin past felt sory for him, 1st 1 sed to him ever had a hug he sed no she gave him a hug and walked on 2nd 1 sed ever had a kiss he sed no she gave him a kiss and wlked on 3rd 1 sed ever been fuked he sed no she then sed you will be wen the tide comes in

– Jordan, 29/10/2006
whats the diffrence between a smart blonde and a UFO? there HAVE been sightings of UFO'S!

– kazzy, 18/10/2006
why are pirates, pirates ? Coz thay AAAAARR !

– neil, 31/08/2006
two oranges go into a bar one orange says your round the other orange says a no

– alex, 31/08/2006
I had a cup of coffee this morning with two lumps... her and the mother in law.

– anton, 20/08/2006
what do u call a half spanish half chinise porn star? manwell Hung

– kat viks, 12/08/2006
what do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell?...a chicken that rings its own neck

– kat vikki, 12/08/2006
what did freddy say to the children?freddies comming for you.

– kat vikki, 12/08/2006
what's the defenistion of pain?....been fingered by Edward sissor hand

– STEPHEN, 31/07/2006
A rooster walks into a chip shop and says Can I have two chicken legs open?

– Decko, 23/07/2006
Heard about the dyslexic wino? He choked to death on his own VIMTO.

– marc pirie, 23/06/2006
what do you call the ginger bread man with one led: limpbiscuit

– claire burdon, 23/06/2006
what did the little cow say to the big cow? why have yo more spots you fat twit.

– nitta carrillo, 15/06/2006
What did the mama bullet say to the papa bullet? We are going to have a B.B.

– kirsty fanny brain, 03/03/2006
why did the chicken cross the road so it could prove it wasnt a chicken

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